The Raging Against our own Hearts
by jesusjunkie
Summary: An look inside the minds and hearts of Arizona and Callie in season 10.


**Hey peeps, how we all? It's been over a week since 9x24, the calamity, the travesty or whatever you want to call it. This idea sort of came to me whilst I was reading another fic and I thought it would be interesting and makes a lot of sense. It's a one shot for now to tide you over while I work on my other fics, but we'll see what happens.**

**Please read and review**

**Love you loads **

Arizona lay in bed, staring at the ceiling with only the soft breathing sounds as her company. She felt cold, numb and empty. Usually sex made her feel invigorated, refreshed, satiated and satisfied but all she felt was an overwhelming sense of self loathing. All of her insecurities and self-doubt had been stirred up. She was pretty sure that if she looked at herself in the mirror, she would see an empty person, with heartbreak and devastation etched all over her face. She was merely a shell of her former self, a cheap imitation of a person once happy and in love. All these negative thoughts continued to plague and torment her mind. It's why she hated the quiet, because in the stillness, when she was left alone with her thoughts, herself hatred made itself known and refused to leave unless Arizona blocked out the thoughts with other sounds and noises.

Arizona turned to look at her companion, who was lying in the bed with her, breathing softly. Dr Lauren Boswell, she wasn't Arizona's usual type. Arizona liked brunette's with chocolate eyes, rich dark features and full lips that framed a smile that could light up a room. Dr Boswell was pretty, good enough for Arizona to give into her lust over her. It was why this kept happening. It was why Arizona kept finding herself lying her bed next to this woman. But the momentary pleasure that Lauren brought wasn't enough to stop the thoughts and feelings that had her trapped in a never ending cycle of rage, misery and bitterness. It was a brief, very brief, distraction from the emptiness and hollow feeling that caused Arizona's soul to ache. These trysts because if Arizona was honest with herself, despite what she had been trying to fool everyone else into thinking, that's all that these encounters were, they were not enough to help her forget the heartbreak and sheer devastation on Callie's face or the sharp pain she got from not seeing Sofia as often as she would like. The sex was not a bigger enough distraction from the salacious gossip that was spreading around the hospital or from the dirty looks her colleagues would continue to give her.

She often wondered to herself why she kept putting herself through this. Why did she keep sleeping with Lauren if it only made things worse? Why did she keep lying to Lauren? Allowing Lauren to think that they were in some semblance of a relationship. Why couldn't Lauren see through the false smiles and the deliberate inane chatter that seemed to make up their relationship? Callie would notice and she would hound Arizona in that annoying way until Arizona was forced to tell her what was wrong. Why did she allow Callie to believe that she was in love with Lauren? Why couldn't she forgive Callie for her leg? Why couldn't she get over it? And most importantly why did no one understand? These questions ran through her mind constantly. She was looking for answers but kept coming up short.

Arizona sighed. She had turned into an insomniac ever since Callie moved out of their apartment. If Arizona was being honest with herself, she couldn't sleep without Callie. She never could, even though Callie liked to move in her sleep and Arizona would often wake up with Callie spread out all over her, she loved that. It was something that was uniquely Callie. Lauren tended to keep to herself when she slept, there was none of Callie's colourful character, when Arizona shared a bed with Lauren. Arizona did that often, found herself thinking about little things that Callie did round the apartment. Like singing and dancing. Callie loved to sing, it didn't matter if she was in the kitchen or in the shower, she would sing with wild abandonment. She loved to dance too. Many times Arizona came home to Callie in her underwear with sunglasses on, dancing to old school Hip Hop and R&B and Arizona questioned her, Callie say she couldn't help it that she was naturally vivacious and would pull Arizona into the dance, trying to get Arizona to be a bit more rhythmic. The laughter. She missed the sound of Callie's laughter. Callie always laughed deep down from her soul, her head thrown back, tears in her eyes and the biggest smile on her face. It always made Arizona feel warm, Callie's laughter always washed all over her, making Arizona tingle all over her body. She missed all of this. She missed Callie, desperately missed her and Lauren was not an adequate substitute. Arizona literally ached and longed for Callie but she was still so mad at her. She was nail splittingly mad at Callie; the rage that consumed her would tear her apart. She felt like she was tearing herself apart because there was a huge part of her that felt an indescribable rage towards Callie and yet the other part of her loved Callie with fierce and wild abandonment. That part of her knew that she loved Callie with every fiber of her being, that Callie was the love of her life. She could not understand let alone reconcile the struggle that kept on inside of her. The conflicting emotions were driving her crazy.

_Buzz _It was her pager, telling her that she was about to start another day. Another day where she had to pretend that she didn't know people were judging and gossiping about her. Another day where she had to pretend that she was interested in Lauren and that some sort of a relationship was happening. Another day where she had to pretend that she did not know Callie was avoiding her. Another day where she tried and fail not to miss Callie. Another say where she tried her hardest not to cry over not seeing Sofia, first thing in the morning. Another day of pretending that she had not broken her own heart. Another day of surgeries. Another day of patients. Another day of going through the motions. Another day of pretending that she was not coming apart at the seams.

* * *

Paralysed. It was an interesting way to describe how she had felt but it was nonetheless the best word to describe her emotions. To see Arizona's ring on Dr Boswell's scrub top, the guilty look on Arizona's face, the cruel words that Arizona screamed at her and that cold look in Arizona's eyes. All of it, left Callie paralysed. At that moment in time she looked at Arizona and she finally saw what was going on. There was no salvaging this. She had lost Arizona, not to Lauren but to the crash. The Arizona she knew and had loved was gone, dead. This knew Arizona was not the same, she looked the same but the inside was definitely not the woman that she desperately and madly loved. Once again, Callie was left cut off at the knees. She had told Mark that another disastrous relationship would kill her and yet her she was, heartbroken again. Once again made a victim.

After, the blow out with Arizona, Callie had to get out of the hospital. They had been given the clear to leave, so Callie had collected Sofia and rushed back to their apartment. She packed a bag for Sofia and herself and booked herself a room at the Archfield. She couldn't bear to be in the same room with Arizona and at this point she needed to be away from anything that reminded her of Arizona. That first night, she sat in that hotel room with Sofia and replayed the whole situation over and over again in her head. She wasn't angry. She had expected herself to be angry and to shout and rave. To track down Dr Boswell and gave her the beat down of a life time but no, all she felt was a deep sadness and devastation. She was so beyond hurt by Arizona that all she could do was cry and try to reason what had happened and Arizona couldn't answer her. Arizona didn't look like she cared that much, she was cold, she didn't apologise instead she blamed Callie. Blamed the whole thing on the amputation of her leg. In that hotel room, Callie came to a decision. She was done. She was finished putting her heart on the line only for others to keep breaking it. Well not anymore. Callie had had enough and she would not allow this to happen to her again. She would change her priorities.

Sofia and her job, that was all that mattered. She would put all her efforts into be the best mother she could be and the best Orthopaedic surgeon in the country. She would perfect her cartilage research and become a household name, well for other Orthopaedic surgeons.

She was done being the victim and letting others walk all over her. She saw Arizona and Lauren and heard the nurses gossiping about them but she didn't care. Or at least she told herself that she didn't care. She would walk with down the halls of Grey-Sloan Memorial with pride and dignity, she had done nothing to be ashamed of. She looked people in the eye and allowed them to see the determination. She would not break again, she could not break again. She had responsibilities and Sofia depended on her to keep going, despite the thoughts that told her to end it all, or to run away with Sofia and not come back. No. She was not that woman anymore. She would stand up like an adult and face the world head on. She had to, to survive, to be able to put one foot in front of the other she needed to keep going and face the world. She could fall apart late into the night, she could cry for all the happy memories that she was yet to have with Arizona, the good times she was yet to have with Mark. She grieved for her best friend and she grieved for her wife. She grieved for her marriage and for the parents that Sofia lost. She grieved for the memories that she had shared with both Mark and Arizona, for the love that they she once shared with her wife. She grieved, she wept and she purged out all the hurt, pain and devastation, so she could get up the next morning and be stronger, braver and better for Sofia. Sofia, who was her light at the end of the tunnel and as it turned out Sofia, was her one true love. She was the one who would love Callie unconditionally and for now, that would have to be enough for Callie.

Yes Callie would walk tall, even if it meant that every step of the way she walked away from the woman she once loved, leaving her heart broken in the process.

**Hey folks, I hope you enjoyed reading this. It was sort of like a window into Arizona and Callie's minds and hearts. I feel like both of them would be conflicted, Arizona more so and that Callie would finally stand up and walk tall instead of crumbling again. I have reached a place of acceptance and so I am ready for what Shonda and the team have in store but it better be something epic. I want to see the depths of both Jessica and Sara's acting ability come out in season 10. I actually wrote this listening to the three Tenors (Pavarotti, Carreras and Domingo) and the passion and emotions brought out by the three classical singers really helped me get in touch with these emotions. Any who please review I would love to hear what you think.**


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